Saturday, December 30, 2017

Spiritual Path 2018- Waking Back Up

I've had adventures in occultism long before this year. Spirits, magic, fortean events, all of that, but I've also had quiet periods, periods of training up mundane skills, chasing dreams. I'd done magic while pursuing my film writing career, but it was often in small spurts. I tried to meet folks I clicked with on a metaphysical level, and for the most part, I failed. I didn't feel as if I fit in with the majority of folks I met.

Serendipity lead me to meeting a whole lot of wonderful folks who took metaphysics seriously this year, many of whom I now consider very dear friends. This marked a change in my approach, from relatively inactive to very much active once again. While I've had gaps in my journaling, I've done plenty of it this year, whether in pursuit of a Domagick challenge, writing a book, or just my own personal practice.

Stuff I've Worked On That Has Born Fruit:
- Dimensional Magic, most often focusing on the 5th, 6th, 7th, etc. type of dichotomy, giving me a useful roadmap for dealing with spirits, magic, astral projection, etc.

-Past life work. Getting a better grip on who I am and what I am has made being who I am right now a lot easier, providing understanding of my place in this strange and wonderful world.

-Norse Pantheon. I've been getting more and more spontaneous interaction since establishing and strengthening ties with Loki, Iormangundr, Nithog, among others.

-Evolutionary Energetic Forms. Essentially, I run a piece of my energy body through some evolutionary pressure, evolving it in accelerated time, for a variety of useful other forms I can shift into for doing various magic work. I might try writing a book on this technique.

- Astral Questing for various purposes.

-Writing and teaching. I know I have a lot of insights to share with others, and I want to see other people attain their real strength. I've been applying to do classes, teaching a few people I know some fun techniques, and generally trying to help some people with their practice. This has also forced me to do more magick as I crash test anything I write. So far, so good. I know I still have more I need to get written down.

-Mantras. I worked with some Halloween 2016, but I've ramped up my use a good bit coming to the close of 2017. Planning on doing some Ganesh work New Years Eve.

-Magick work with strangers and friends. When by yourself, it's easy to lose it, because your feedback loop is only one person wide. Working with more people, I can play around with things, figure out whether a technique is working or not, whether an idea has legs, etc.

-Magical mishaps. I can't remember ever really making a big magical oops. Somehow, I got one this year, had a spirit get inside me and do a number on me. While taken care of quickly, it still left me with some lasting repercussions and obligations.

Putting aside all the fun and the successes with magic this year, I feel so much more myself and so much happier being myself than I have in years previous. I look forward to going even further in 2018.


Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 30

Results: I was happy all yesterday. I feel reborn and largely unblocked. I realize that rebirth rituals and energy rebalancings are not always one and dones, that the changes made may slip over time without reinforcement. Rest assured, moving forward in my physical transition in 2018 is definitely part of the plan.

Body: Usual affirmations. I hit these a little harder in areas, repetition bringing a warmth almost burning to mentioned parts of the body.

Mind: I reviewed and reinforced that the DoMagick group has been reading and liking my blog posts. I've noticed in my life that after coming out to people, I often feel a boost, as if the real me is reinforced. It could be their altered reality manifesting, subtle belief, it could be the subconscious realization that I can be myself, potentially even a combo of both, but know that I am thankful for every kind word, view, and positive interaction. Every one of them is a sign and signal of being in a world I want to be in.

Soul: This one was different. The real world is, in it's way, also a part of the internal world, recreated in our minds, and it was a world I had not yet addressed. I felt the urge to open my eyes and explore who I was in this world as my soul resonated. I carried the laptop, binaural beats playing, deeply contemplative of the real/unreal nature of the world. What did I see different with my new eyes? What was the same? What magic lies in the cold material world? I felt the resonant shift that this was a world in which I am a woman. Not a man trying to be a woman, but a woman with a woman's body in need of some drastic cosmetic and hormonal changes. Gods, spirits, energies, the universe, and many people have begun to reflect this reality, and it's exciting to be there.

Day 31 and beyond: I'm not 100% sure yet what I will do, if I will keep meditating each day, or if I will let the practice slide as I use that time to catch up on direly needed sleep and doing the magick of arranging the every day, ordinary parts of my life into a series of patterns meant to carry me to a time where my goals have been met. In either case, I feel transformed by the experience, more positive then I ever have about anything, and I'm ready to face whatever 2018 brings me.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 29

I stayed up late last night, so late it became the next day, and I attempted a meditation. While my eyes stayed closed for 30 minutes and there were visions and feelings, it was a mess. I needed more sleep before I started that when.

Mess Meditation Summary: Affirmations as normal. Mild reinforcement of good memories 24 hours old. Soul meditation was barren and confused, no real change or meetings. Almost a go home you're drunk response from the inner world.

So, I did another meditation after I woke up, but not before checking Facebook and Domagick. Lo and behold, someone has an article on shamanic deconstruction reconstruction, inspired by someone else's posts. Considering all the work to my inner world, it feels like it's time to get my energy self/selves reconstituted to reflect all that work.

Body: Affirmations as usual.

Mental: Briefly revisited moments where I've undergone energy rebuilds, rebirths, etc. I've not done too many of these, at least not really potent ones. Give them all a big thumbs up and gratitude for being part of my journey.

Soul: I return to the watchtower where I had been trying to formulate my magical name. I approach in  robe, concealing, as the me I was is not the me I will be, or the me typing this message. I climb the steps of the tower slowly, and the steps change to become more daunting, at least 100 of them. First smaller, then icy, then frictionless, having to adapt a little more with each step up, to a dead end. I phase through it, to the isolated room at the top, where things are reconstructed for the surgery.

There is an all call for all the selves and parts of self needed to do this work, sending out love and self acceptance. I ask for a vote of whether this should go forward. We get a majority agreement and I make it a point to force my 'observer' into the body as it happens- no passively getting out of this. My brain is removed, eyeballs hanging, watching the body be hacked to pieces. My brain is put into a blender, whirr, all dark, like zen, no panic, a sense of time needed for my mind to come back. My mind gets poured into a skull type mold and I'm a head, but with no body. That head, and others, are all brought to a headless Queen, looking among who she wishes to be that day. I speak up, and do not accept this. This is not the true me.

We begin to sing, and as we sing our bodies are built up, and self love flows to conquer these demons of fear. Hand in hand, all these many selves begin to sing our new self into existence. I am in this new body, and to finish it, I have to sing myself in the new body. I send a wave of self love out to every corner of my being, transforming some, but leaving behind many smoldering corpses. I didn't mean to be destructive, but even those selves knew the cost, that they must die for me to be reborn. I have a short funeral for them, thank them, and let them slip into the dark of the unconscious.

The last step, returning to the universe, was very hard. Trance felt deep, like my eyes were glued shut, and I had to descend the hundred steps, finish out my meditation in usual fashion more than once, physical touch being my returner.

I feel energetic, like my soul is pulling my skin tight, like a mold that is slowly shaping my body and not the other way around. It's a subtle, soft strength, elegant in design.

I'm not sure what tomorrow's meditation will bring, but I feel as if I've definitely gained something at this point.


Thursday, December 28, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 28

Body: Usual affirmations, one small modification. I try several names for different parts, sometimes using more vulgar terms for them to see if it has an affect. In this case, my breasts, which seemed to almost burn after three repetitions, rather than the usual one. Reminds me of chi gung burn.

Mind: Went back to some awkward and half remembered teenage memories. One in particular is all the attempts I made at a physical shape shift. I tried so many times, always feeling like I was just one missing step off, or that the next attempt would make it. It obviously never did, though my chi gung skills were improved quite a bit from it (though I've since let them lapse significantly).

Soul: Went in all professional into a surprise office party- by muppets. Well, let's see what we've got here. Somewhere in the middle, they all say that they are puppets and begin shedding their skins, revealing the hands. I discard my body, revealing a sort of amorphous blobby thing, then start going straight into a no mind stance. No delusion, very zen kind of state, though it's hard to maintain. Near the end, I come back, putting my skin back on, and all the muppets are women in neon clothes now. I come back as well, if anything, more feminine than I was.

"See? Even when you leave your body and normal time space, you come back female."

I thank my inner selves and head back out.

Results: Feeling really comfortable with myself.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 27

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: Went through a shopping trip, seeing an alternate version where I was transitioned and confident, checking out more clothes and things, giving myself a boost for the things I did do, like look into some hair dye.

Soul: I was some kind of ice ballerina, almost anorexic skinny. Fragile felt like the right word. I went into an ice rink, giant fish breaking the surface to devour me. I skated around them, occasionally shooting them with pistols, trying to figure out what they meant. When I finally thought back to my time at sea, the rink became a frozen ocean, a boat upon it. I approached the boat, a boat I had once been on, remembering my time there. Internally, I was still on the fence about things at that time, not willing to embrace or accept who I was on the inside. I also didn't value my life.

It wasn't that I was suicidal, only that I felt no fear of death, because my life seemed meaningless. During a surprise drill, my bunkmate looked terrified. I barely felt anything.

It's different now. I feel worth in my life at this point, and would rather not lose it too soon. Like a television show that just started getting good, I'm really looking forward to the next season.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 26

Still at parents. Internet cut out on me midway, so I just meditated longer to ensure at least 30+ minutes. Which barely was a struggle as the soul portion was veeeery long. Total time was about 90 minutes.

Body: Affirmations, still at a good pace.

Mind: I went back to moments of bullying, replaying them in an alternate if I had been a girl at the time, to see how they went differently.

Soul: I went in with the cloak of stars and a long step down, 100 steps to my usual 10. Maybe this was necessary due to not having the 'boost' from a drumbeat or binaurals. When I finally reached the bottom, Hela was waiting for me with a table set up for tea for two. Very soon after, she picked me up, her size becoming enormous as we walked across a rainbow bridge, and I knew quite definitively this was not inside my own world anymore.

There was a meeting, and while I could go into details, I feel as if I probably shouldn't. Quick things I learned worth noting:

1) Be honest
2) Be kind
3) Be wise
4) Don't be afraid to speak up when it's important

As for transition worthy content, well, if the gods acknowledge me as female, that's a pretty big step forward right?

Monday, December 25, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 25

Results: Was a lot more myself around my family for Christmas. I didn't feel the need to perform being someone I'm not.

Body: Continued affirmations with modification from yesterday. I feel really comfortable in my skin.

Mind: Looked back at when I first came out to my parents and holidays afterward. Shored up that they still love me.

Soul: I entered as a reindeer, crunchy snow, eventually flying over the land. I figured it was going to be some kind of Christmas special and was not disappointed. I spotted the place where the plot started, finding Santa loading his sleigh. Pleasantries and contrived plot devices were skipped and glossed over to some degree as Santa knew who I was, what I wanted, and was understanding and kind up front. I didn't have to pull the sleigh or save Christmas, but simply be who I was, discarding the artifice.

"Not a deer, or an elf, just be yourself." We sang a song I can't quite remember much of about being yourself, and it all managed to rhyme. Afterward, he gave me a present, a fairy princess box with an aggressively alive garment made of stars in it. It was definitely more low vibration thant then happy world of the Christmas special, threatening to make things nightmarish, but Santa told me I could handle it. He took off to deliver toys, I played with the shifting cloak of night and stars.

I checked my energy levels, finding myself pleasantly functional. Looking for other selves and inner characters to interact with, most of them had pretty new dresses for Christmas. The fairy princess box seems to be a portal to somewhere, but it's not somewhere inside myself, and I'm trying to keep my meditations to inner world, so set it aside for the moment.

Last, some spooky sort of Lady looking a lot like Hela from the marvel comics showed up saying we would have a conversation next time, right before the meditation ended. That should be fun.

Results/Notes: Christmas magic as a thing definitely has a force in my mind. I once hear sleigh bells at night while in a remote cabin the night of as an adult. I'm not saying I am experiencing or will experience a Christmas miracle, but I don't rule out such things.

Additionally, this was the day I was most worried about. Spending time with family, this is the first day meditating in a different place, without the environmental control to guarantee success. Thankfully, I managed to maintain state despite a few odd noises.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 24

Results: Feeling so much braver. Shared some photos with a friend online without hesitation. My body shame is crashing and my fears reduced. Had many more affirming events lately then the opposite.

Body: My affirmations changed slightly, but it was a good change. The shift seemed to increase the potency of the affirmation by a lot.

Previous Pattern was "I have a woman's ____, I have the _____ of a woman, my ____ is beautiful."

New Pattern "I have a woman's ____, I have my ____ of a woman, my ____ is beautiful."

The addition of my seemed to amplify the effect. It's more acceptance and ownership and internalizing. Rather powerful.

Mind: I shored up my recent affirming memories, such as the one in results above. Said photo was just a holiday enhanced one with reindeer makeup. I enhanced memories as if I had the full costume. Definitely something I'd like to do next holiday season.

Soul: So, I reindeer'ed it up upon entry today with a bit of a mission in mind- finding a name. I pulled a sleigh, and heard some music before stopping at a tower, a tower I used to gather my internal selves to sort of throw their 2 cents into the process.

Now, I kind of want a new name for my transition, but I might keep my old one. Still not 100% on that. But I do kind of want to have a craft name, one that can work as a writing pseudonym and perhaps to evoke a certain magical resonance for ritual use. I want it to be something feminine sounding as well, which means taking a little time on it.

I entered a glossolalia state by swiftly reciting the alphabet while letting the noises slur and overlaps until I was babbling. Certain English words popped out, thematic hooks to play with. I think it's going to take more non-meditation meditations to fully get (went past my binaural beats contemplating), and maybe a little research. Still, it's a start.


Saturday, December 23, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 23

Results: Last night, holidays with the roommates was a wonderfully affirming time. I got rainbow socks and a full makeup kit, and it's the first present I've gotten really supporting my transition. It was amazing.

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: I kept playing back last night, trying to make it louder, brighter, shinier, because I don't want to forget it. It was great. I also went back to a painful memory and tried to find a good way to set it right. Not sure I succeeded though.

Soul: At some point you hit a bit of a wall, and this feels like one for me, though not without purpose. As I started writing, I realized some things I'll go into after the paragraph.

I flew in on rainbow wings, greeted by Kali, expecting some shadowwork, and instead it was just kind of... dull. I was stabbed full of pitchforks, dipped in acid, and it all was rather unintense. It just didn't really work. My inner temple felt like an office on Christmas, empty halls. I found a few male archetypes, expelled one, kept the rest. Spontaneous imagery was very mundane- hallways, the room I'm in, nothing really guiding or taking me anywhere. Even a revisit image of Kali stomping my ego didn't seem to do much.

But then I realized, my ego was sort of crushed by the blankness of the room. The failure was the lesson to be learned. I can't expect a great revelation every time.


Friday, December 22, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 22

Results: Last night I came out to a friend's girlfriend without even thinking about it. I just kind of said it like it was an after thought. It's really getting a lot easier.

Body: Usual affirmations. Very fast today.

Mind: I shored up my memory of coming out. I sock puppetted a long forgotten insulting insinuation. I put a stamp labeled She/Her on every time I could remember being asked for my pronouns. She/Her is who I am inside, and I'm feeling a lot less afraid to let people know that.

Soul: Stairs in were like some dirty, oily muck, feet sinking in to each step. Past the door was a dance floor full of very muscular and attractive men, mostly undressed. The fun of the sexy rave gave way to a blank room and an intense grilling about the details of my sexuality by a news anchor. I reviewed thoroughly, coming to my usual conclusions: I like men sexually and romantically more than I like women, though I also find women very sexy, but I feel less romantically inclined.

It lead me to the realization I will always have an inner male part of myself, if only because it's necessary to have that archetype to understand men as existing in reality, and that just because it's there, doesn't mean it rules me or defines who I am, a realization that was followed by applause from many inner selves.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 21, Part Deux

When I finished my meditations in the morning and wrote them up, I felt a twinge of guilt as I had looked at the clock during the meditation. While I'd finished 34 minutes, it wasn't an unbroken 30 minutes, and I felt as if I was lying. When I got home, I decided to do a second round for the day, to ensure another 30 minutes of UNBROKEN meditation in hopes of assuaging guilt and ensuring I did the challenge properly.

Body: Affirmations as per usual.

Mind: I went into my day, replaying it as if I were a woman, transitioned and non. In both cases, the day was mostly the same.

Soul: I was weighed down by iron balls and chains of my own guilt, a thin waif, dragging myself to jail. Or, I thought I was. As I counted down, the door was guarded by a dragon and simply would not open- no jail for me.

Looking to the ball and chain, I imagined a different scenario, donning a pirate hat and coat. Boarding a ship, I encountered a mimetic entity called Vector. Hold on, there's some backstory here.

Vector is a mimetic creation of my own design. A metapirate, he roams through the realms of tabletop gaming, aware of his own fictional nature, looking to propogate himself into the minds of others, for his only existence is when someone thinks of him. While he/she/it/they change from setting to setting, at their core, they are a mimetic virus seeking to transform all those they make contact with, unleashing the power of their imagination.

Anyhow, Vector was there, and had the Skeleton Keys, an artifact that could open any lock, including those to my chains. Negotiations were spontaneous, all over the place, and eventually wound up with some additions and edits to my character sheet from a semi-cosmic perspective. Due to all the XP gained from all the soul questing I've been doing, I bought myself a glamour upgrade, upped my willpower, spent some XP on Resources (hopefully for the money I'll need), as well as putting some into an ally, so hopefully I meet an SO in the future. Quite a lot of investment in a short time.

Chit chatting, Vector still wants their book, Vector and the Metapirates, finished. It's an RPG supplement and the primary vector by which Vector might infect and transform more minds. It's nearing completion, but apparently, I need another kick in the butt to get there.

Vector also claims responsibility for disrupting my morning meditation to ensure this one happened. They might be full of shit, but either way, I plan on scheduling more time into writing Vector and the Metapirates over my holiday break.

Results: I feel empowered and bewildered at the same time.

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 21

Results: Yesterday I did the Strength and Wisdom Ceremony posted here, chanting for what felt like forever. It feels like the meditation work I've done is inspiring me to do more meditation work, like I'm just trying to get the reaction to reach critical mass so it can become an unstoppable process.

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: I did an alternate timeline of awakening amnesiac on a desert island, of losing all the identity reinforcing bits of past holding me back. Wearing dresses upon the beach, reading comics and novels and identifying freely, without someone telling me who I am or who I was, I'm eventually returned to the world and rescued, transition the only natural response to a world suddenly insistent on a different biological identity. I imagined a post transition me running upon the beaches of the same island and feeling wonderfully, blissfully free.

Soul: I went in upon steps of light, but felt a need to revisit shadow work, go dark, see what happens. So, I start vibrating lower and lower, get a nice demonic form, expecting male as some insight/ punishment/argument from my subconscious, but getting female instead. Yay!

So, the fires of hell and such, and the hippo is back. I am ready to tackle the hippo, and this time, I reintegrate the missing lower brain portion of sexual urge and identity. The hippo immediately morphs into a crying pregnant woman and we begin talking. So much fear and sadness.

In short, the process of getting to be who I want to be, the hard physical truths, the fears of how others will react or how it all works out in the end are very present, and while the talk is sort of repetitive to earlier talks with other inner selves, I think this one is just as important as all the rest.

I reassure and return to the normal world.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 20

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: Went to look at stereotypical 'feminine' past times and my experiences with them. I've sewn before, but I've not really done all the crafty stuff and wonder if I've been shorting myself an experience.

Soul: So, as soon as I enter, the stairs turn slick and I start to slide. I pause things, float, take a look, and a large snakes mouth looms at the end of the stairs. I take a moment to cleanse myself, inside and out, and look again- still a big snake mouth, still an ice slide. So, I figure this must be some kind of shadow work and slide on in.

In the dark, there is a man servant, deformed, instructing me to 'take off that thing', referring to my energy body being angelic and glowing. Figuring I ought to get more shadowy and dark, I strip it away and stand naked in my physical body, only it's even worse than it is in real life. I walk into the dark and find a tiny circus, a big top only foot high. It probably had something to do with worries about my friend and his life, being a circus fanatic and lover of tiny things. Nothing much of note happens inside, but something sneaks up behind me- a big hippo man. A theme seems to be forming.

The hippo man grabs and drags me, and as I focus on bringing myself further into the shadow work space, it all turns cyber punk. I'm in a trench coat, short shaved hair, graffiti everywhere, lights, looming buildings, and I'm hurled sprawling into a pile of trash.

A dwarf approaches, talking about selling me 'some pink', a vial of some pink substance thats the key to getting a female body. He asks what I have and I search my belongings, only finding a gun. I offer the gun and get shot with it.

"Why should I sell you anything now that I have this?"

I make his head explode with sheer will, then rip the soul out of the hippo guy. It feels like straight up Shadowrun street mage stuff and it's kind of fun. I grab the pink and begin running as Lonestar (high end rentacops) show up, and I'm invisible and fleeing. I use some barriers to run from rooftop to rooftop until I'm far enough away and go looking for a fixer to check out the goods.

At the fixer, it's another hippo man. The hippo man checks my goods and informs me that it's just strawberry milk. I drink it anyway, no real change. There's a brief discussion of what good will this stuff do me when I'm living on the streets, fighting for my life?

There's something to it, a bit defeatist. Survival first.

I don't accept it and ask if he has any other missions and he explodes. The shadowrun facade dies as the giant hippo rampages, pissed off that I'm not 'taking the lesson'. I fight back, I win, I leave, but I've been pondering it all day.

Really, there is a point. I'm currently barely hanging on as my new job's holiday interrupted schedule barely makes ends meet. I don't have my own place, or even my own room, and I'm worried about transitioning? Still, I can't let fear be the thing holding me back. I can acknowledge that I need to keep moving forward to survive while finding a path toward transition.

Quick Research: Looked up mythology and hippos, just in case. While the mythology of Set and Tarawet and hippos in general are interesting, I do not think they have direct bearing upon these meditations.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 19

Results: I tried the Om Gam Ganapatye Svahaa mantra before my yoga workout yesterday. I've been trying to do exercise to sculpt my body in a direction that will assist in my transition. Midst of doing my usual workout, I think I need to start working out like a woman, not like a man. I get a burst of energy and finish my usual routine, throw in a few more exercises, and then do half a cycle of a more advanced exercise set. It was pretty powerful. I don't know if this was from the mantra or from the meditations, or some combination thereof, but if I can keep powering through like that, I'm gonna get fit quick.

Body: Usual affirmations. I've been slowing down some to ensure I hit all the parts in order with repetition, going from part to part, then doing the whole of the macro part. Ex) toes, soles, arch, heel, ankle, FOOT.

Mind: I went with moments I felt joyous to be feminine, throwing in some applause, fireworks, etc. It does feel good for me, like I'm throwing off weights I'm constantly forced to be carrying. Relieving and thrilling at the same time. Freeing.

Soul: My descent in was mountains. Big, big mountains. Usually I count down from ten to get in, but this was prolonged, the scope of each mountain growing from merely large to cosmic scales, the last mountain being the size of the solar system. When I finally reached the end, a face made of stars greeted me, a version of my cosmic self. It was all logic discussion from there. Am I male, female, something in between?

I've often wondered if I'm more gender fluid than fully male to female, which frustrated me in the past as I don't know what to do with it. Male to female has a plan. Gender fluid is more like a lack there of. Truthfully, I feel like I'm on more of a trajectory toward more feminine, and I'd be remiss to not take that as far as I can. While I certainly have male aspects and interests, like it or not, I cannot stay still.

It would be unhealthy to not admit I have these masculine traits. It would be equally unhealthy to let there presence hold me back from being the woman I want to be.

Results: Feeling sort of calm and contemplative, feminine, but not in some overbearing artificial way. It's like background noise or atmosphere. It just is, without having to force it's way out front saying, look at me! Feeling oddly chilled out.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 18

Results from Yesterday: I'm getting a lot more voice shifts, feeling less self conscious about them. I'm still working on the mechanics of my femme voice, but I'm doing the work almost without trying. I'm also getting braver about checking out women's clothes and makeup when out and about.

Body: Usual affirmations. Still speeding up, but I'm trying to refine my thoroughness. No part life behind!

Mind: I revisited memories of online roleplay. This may seem juvenile, but so much of this let me figure myself out, what I wanted, did not want, puzzling out confusing feelings, and definitely let me know some of what is missing in my life. I reinforced the reality of these feelings and gave a medal to my many online friends and personas as a thanks for what they've done for me.

Soul: I descended through the darkness into a tropical jungle, hot and steamy. No clothes, naked and all woman, I stalked the jungle for a short time, comfortable in my skin, before a giant hippo arrived to ruin it. Shifting to a larger form, I wrestled it as it tried to eat me. After grappling and invading it's mind, I realized this was all lower brain urge stuff. Hunger, fear, fighting, and sex- I was embodying the sex, but not the other stuff. I tinkered with the hippo a bit to try and reflect better who I'm trying to become and leave behind the old me, turning it from a kaiju sized hippo to a pony. Still a heavy animal, hungry, but not so overwhelming in it's fear or hunger or aggression.

Results: I feel super cute this morning and happy to be alive. Body a little tingly.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Do Magick 30 Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 17

Had a pretty busy 24 hours previous, along with a pretty intense therapy session. Been a while since I cried like that.

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: I went through to times where I've been sad and left sobbing, even borderline suicidal. I just tried to comfort myself, let me know it gets better, see the brighter future. The changing of my internal images and voices gives me comfort, lets me see that the real me is not an illusion, or simply a goal, but a real and primary part of myself.

Soul: I started with entering the body to look at it energetically, and I feel like I've made good progress in being more energetically feminine. Still, my inner monologue tends to switch between a male and female voice and I wanted to investigate that. Going up to some controls, they'd been switched while I was out of the room, so to speak, and investigation turned up some 90s looking grunge girl behind it. It seemed to be some alternate time line possible self, turning off the female monologue out of some frustration of not being real.

Did a little extra testing on some of my other inner selves, seeing what effect changes upon them might have upon me.

Some of it has gone fuzzy on me. I cannot remember.

Results: The last day or so have been rough, but possibly a good rough. I'm upset about some things, but they are the things that let me know something is wrong and lead me to take action. My laptop cord has been crushed/killed/destroyed, so I'll be off to get a new one today.

I feel as if there is some kind of parallel in the idea that the physical often gets in the way of the metaphysical.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 16

Very tired from a late night, but finished up in the morning as per usual. Laptop updates move binaural beats to my phone. Tech issues, you may be my doom this month.

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: I went around with stickers that said "You are Girl Enough" and put them on my hand and other places for times when I didn't feel like I was female enough for something. I still often see myself as something lesser than natural born women, and it's not mentally a healthy belief to have.

Soul: I dealt with envy today. I often feel envy for bio females, and it's also not healthy to do. Envy and jealousy, while perhaps useful indicators of what I might want in life, lead to comparisons that will only cause misery. Several women I know showed up in archetype forms, versions of me I could be, want to be, can never be, and more. I called up a positive, realistic, and likely future version of myself to boot some of these feelings. There is a happiness out there that is mine, not anyone else's, and I'm going to pursue that happiness.

I began to dig a little to see what that life might look like in regards to my relationships, but time ran out. I took a little time to close up shop, and did my exit mantras.

Results: The day is young. We shall see.


Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 15

A busy day and late night kept me from making my blog post, but not from completing my meditation.

Body: Usual affirmations

Mind: I went through various LGBTQ slurs in an effort to reclaim and reform, remembering times I've been called them or used them. Felt this was pretty effective live fire for eventual assholes. Names can certainly hurt, but they will sting less.

Soul: Entering my inner space, darkness greets me, my feet creating circles of light. As I traverse the dark, the circles of light appear briefly and vanish, different colors, spiraling, until I find a central circle down a deep pit. Landing upon it, like an elevator, it goes down, down, down into some deep place, feeling sort of like the subconscious. I feel a door and let it open, expecting more darkness, zen meditation or something.

Instead, it's a blizzard. As I traverse the door, I get a cute little parka on, goggles, but I also get snakey. Snake tail, snakes for arms, the upper torso of a woman, I slide across the snow unsure of what to do. The snow is blinding and I try to speak to it. Nothing. Then, I begin seeing and feeling the motion of ice giants. One stops, making as if to smash me, but I tell it I'm pro-jotun and it stops. Traversing further, I see someone building a fire, which just happens to be one Sarenth Odinson.

We have a brief exchange about how I seem to keep forgetting/denying some of my experiences with the Norse entities, my serpentine nature, and it's true. I do have a snake/Jormangund connection of some type, I know it, but I often act as if it isn't quite as real for some reason. The snow storm stops after this and meditation ends.

Results: Blogging my feelings and meditations have definitely been making it easier for me to talk to people about my gender dysphoria and the challenges of being transgender. The embarrassment I've often felt has been vastly reduced.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 14

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: Shored up my most recent positive transgender experiences with fireworks, candy, high fives, etc. Made sure my sock puppets were holding on bad experiences. Visited my most recent artwork, most of it in the form of screenplays. Did some alternate world timeline stuff with some of these screenplays being made.

One sad note- the Ducks are back. I did a fast cleansing visualization which cleaned them out, but until I did, they were just lurking in the background.

Soul: Back to archetypes, round 2. This time, I visited the concept of sexualizing women in everything. I went through typical 'sexy' female roles, found male equivalents, then would sexualize and desexualize them in an effort to get a more full picture firmly anchored.

I spent extra time revisiting the mad scientist inner archetype. The Moon Girl version in my mind was very much the missed opportunities I'd felt from that character. Show, don't tell writing is important in my mind. Rewriting and reimagining, I saw a version in which Moon Girl showed she was a genius by creating time travel out of her garage, contacted heroes using a jury rigged telepathy helmet, gained Devil Dinosaur by going back in time and getting him from an aged and dying Moon Boy (small exchange between the two, asking her to take care of his friend), before returning to modern time to find her time window had let loose dinosaurs on New York. It'd be fun, sweet, fitting for the super genius child archetype with both it's hyper intellect and lack of experience, and definitely not forced.

Either way, this seemed to fix some things internally for me, my mad scientist archetype feeling both more female and less the combination of clashing internal selves.

Results: Some interesting phantom limb type sensations with secondary and primary sexual characteristics I do not have yet in the middle of meditation.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 13

My more intensive meditation today was driving home through the snow. Slow, methodical, very in the moment. But I did finish my morning meditation, which feels like it's getting... duller? Tedious? That's probably a good sign.

Body: Usual affirmations. Still faster. Becoming more rote and mantra like.

Mind: I visited more teenage stuff this time. I highlighted some of my discoveries that lead me to realize my feminine side, often exploring it through art. Useful, but it's all feeling a little more been there done that. I might start revisiting memories I've done before for reinforcement.

Spirit: I walked down a staircase of books to confront the archetypes of fiction. I took some time going through warriors, doctors, scientists, superheroes, and other roles, attempting to look for equivalents to raise up, gender flips, etc. It felt like it loosened up some of the cultural programming, but not yet smashed it. Even the tendency for certain genders to pop up in some roles before others feels like a limit in my thinking.

Results: I came out to someone at work. So, I feel a little better.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 12

Woke up dehydrated to the Nth degree. I'd drank nearly two glasses of liquid before bed, figuring I would need to get up and go to the bathroom. Instead, I get up early drink two more, try to sleep some more, and drink two more again upon waking from my alarm.

That being said, meditation still got done.

Body: Usual affirmations. The repetition can be, at times, repetitious. Its like my mind knows it so well it's speeding it up.

Mind: Today I visited childhood memories, from before I started having gender dysphoria. Looking into my childhood behavioral patterns, I wasn't really all male or female. Our understanding of gender psychologically was rather limited at the time, and society quite against anything challenging the norm. As such, I built some bits of parallel time line, pondering how different things might have been had I been raised now, or raised in an even more enlightened future. While I have a mix of traits, I believe I'm still more female than male, and perhaps, in an alternate timeline, I might have realized it much earlier.

Soul: I went in on a mission to deal with hunger. Vain, but I want to lose some weight while transitioning or at least maintain where I'm at, and I feel as if my ravenous appetite is out of synch with my goals. Descending, a pool ladder brought me into water, and into a vast sea. My hunger manifested as enormous fish, fish which I netted and modified to a smaller size.

After that, I was approached by a manifestation of my inner warrior. While I've not gotten into a violent altercation in my entire adult life, I do have violent thoughts, something I thought rather masculine. There's concern from the warrior that transition will sap me of physical strength. This will likely be true to a degree. But ultimately, conflicts are far more often settled by words then fist fights, and like it or not, my inner warrior was going to have to get with the program.

Unexpected, by a female scientist looking a lot like Moon Girl suddenly showed up near the end of my meditation. I think this may be an unconscious poking to examine stereotypes of masculine and feminine traits in my mind. I've got the same background cultural brainwashing of a life time of television, movies, and media as everyone else, and I'm sure it's not all true or good stuff.

Results: Nothing super spectacular today so far. Feeling good, practicing my voice in the car.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 11

Woke early, so early post.

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: Went with memories in the mirror, being very judgmental about my looks. I cheered on times I felt positive, offered support and love when I felt low. Also thought about times I went dancing. Dancing is something that makes me feel one with my body, escaping the mind body soul separation and really connecting.

Soul: Soul body was non ostentatious, simply me, if a me comfortable in her own skin. Waiting inside for me was a counsel of my many past lives, primarily the non-human ones. Among the animal lives were some rather mythical and surreal otherworldly type lives. I spoke to each in turn about what this change in my life might be like. Overall, it seemed as if I'm getting the go ahead with some words of caution here and there (although some of my animal lives were a little simplistic).

              Messages Included:

  • Take care of your real life. 
  • You got this.
  • Find a mate
  • You can change your life radically without issue
  • Allow yourself to feel emotion, not just get caught up in mechanics 

Results: I feel like all systems are go and everyone is on board. I just need to keep doing the work and taking concrete real world steps forward when I can.


Sunday, December 10, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 10

Last night I did some energy work that ultimately resulted in putting me into a sour mood that spilled over into this morning. I started my meditation, but emotions from last night spilled in and put me off track. So, I took about a half hour to ground and cleanse myself thoroughly before continuing on to doing my morning meditations. Not something I will always have the luxury for, so I may try my best to cleanse and ground late at night to avoid a similar scenario.

Body- Usual affirmations. Feeling pretty good about my appearance.

Mind- Still a little angry, I worked with rather than against, finding episodes where my anger boiled over revolving around trans issues. In these instances, I let my rage burn away my masculine shell, a female wrath shining brightly.

Soul- Slow going here. I've done enough inner work that it almost has to become retread at this point. I floated in a sea of inner star contemplating the false duality of gender and the sexes, their relationship to binary things in nature, the roles they play, but no avatars or structure or characters were forthcoming.

I then decided to gather some of the inner world players together to preview what my mind was becoming, using the 5 emotion Inside Out model. My rage was an angelic fury, my disgust based on my inner demon Physapkward (whose new anime girl look persists), joy being the colorful clown I had spoken to, fear being a woman in a straight jacket who only wished to hide, and sadness being the sad clown. Not too much was said or done, but I felt like I had a better grip on the new me I'm becoming.

EDIT: Bit I forgot. There was a sort of avatar of toxic masculinity, the bad ideas and left over cultural programming. While thankful for them being a specimen of what not to be and how not to think, I ultimately put them in a cage so they can't make trouble.

Last, I asked some questions about fertility. A very tiny baby that kept winking in and out of existence, as my transition will likely render me sterile. The thought does not bother me too much, but there is some slight twinge of sadness there. It is a sacrifice, no matter how I call it.

Results- Feeling pretty good right now. I've noticed that today and yesterday, I've had more spontaneous, dreamlike imagery start to overlay itself in my meditations. Where usually it's an intense imagination state, some of the imagery is starting to play almost like a projector behind my eyelids. Reminiscent of lucid dreaming. Could be due to lack of sleep.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 9

Today's meditation went about 80 minutes.

Body: Usual affirmations, though it felt less effective. My mind was not quieting as well as hoped. Potentially due to feeling exhausted.

Mind: Looked back on events of some of my teenage sexual fantasies and experiences. While awkward, they pointed the way towards who I am and who I want to be. By no means perfect memories, but important. Alternate time lining, I can't help but think I probably dodged the bullet of teenage pregnancy by not being born female as my self control was lax and my desires strong.

Soul: So, I immediately got back to the three deity figures holding back the energy of my spells.

The Virgin Mary: Seemed to be a sort of avatar of biblical feminine virtue- be humble, quiet, supportive, etc. Apparently, not approving of my transition. I put up barriers and pushed them further from me, blocked links of their energy to mine. While I'm sure her spirit could restore such links, it would not be in character for an avatar of passive feminine virtue to do so.

The Valkyrie: Even with research, I'm not 100% which valkyrie or goddess she was. Stubborn, stern, bearing a shield and spear, she essentially argued that cheating the system would be a problem. Which is fine, I just asked that she let me reclaim the energy for fueling my transition as it is. She acquiesced with much fuss.

Not Zeus: It took me a moment to figure out I was dealing with Odin, not Zeus. I suppose it should not surprise me, but it did. It was very weird, and I feel as if I ought to keep some of it private. Broad stroke of it is that being transgender makes me stronger, we had a tough conversation, and that the energy can be reclaimed for transition.

Not all how I'd like it to go. I'd like reason to win over most entities but not every one is going to be reasonable.

Results: Waited most of the day to post to see if any results popped up. Nothing beyond the general good attitude, but I don't really need anything else.


Friday, December 8, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 8

Meditated in morning, writing now.

Body- Usual affirmations.

Mind- This time I aimed for memories of ambiguity and confusion. Confusion tends to presage enlightenment, a natural occurrence while moving from 'trying to understand' to 'understanding'. I sent in a referee to see both sides point of view in several cases- sometimes my trans identity confuses others or myself. Sometimes the trans identity of other confuses me or others too. And that's okay as long as you don't act like a jerk about it.

Soul- So, I've done a lot of spells in the hopes of helping me transition. The energy for those spells is still there and it feels as if I can finally let it land by going forward in my transition. I gathered a number of my internal characters together to open the way for these energies.

In addition, I checked to see what, if anything, was holding the spells back, which included 3 entities. One looked like the Virgin Mary, one looked liked some kind of Valkyrie, and the third seemed like a dead ringer for Zeus. Meditation ended shortly after this reveal, so no plan on how to entreaty or interact with these three yet. I will likely see if my meditation the next morning reveals anything.

Results: Someone in my cafeteria called me mam today, and I'm not even dressing up or putting on makeup yet. Winning!

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 7

Writing down experiences from morning now in the afternoon.

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: I went for memories of courage and cowardice, trying to remember times I've done well by speaking up and being myself versus the many times I've been afraid. I tried to shore up memories of courage fail with Courage badges, pep talks, and alternate histories, while cheering myself on for my courageous moments. I think I may need to revisit the fear narratives more and see how I can fix. Maybe I just need to make up for them with real life action?

Soul: So, this time I had a mission, to find my humor. I'm not saying I'm really funny, but people laugh a lot when I'm around. So, hunting for my humor, I get pelted with pies and eventually find a brightly colored clown. She's cracking up, and she only manages to talk when she does a silly voice. So, it's like the light side of my humor. The dark side is a sad, sad clown, and I feel the pain. It's the one that's shabby, and male, and miserable, and just makes jokes to cheer themselves up enough to operate- which was closer to what I was looking for. So, I thank them because they were the one that let me know something was wrong, that I wasn't happy, and say that things are going to get better. That works well and seems to undo some damage, sad female clown replacing the miserable male one. Progress!

Additionally, I looked into my sexual identity, personified, male and female. Mumble, mumble, NC-17, mumble, won't get into details beyond coming more to terms with my bisexuality and preferences.

Results: Felt very positive in the morning. I got very, very close to telling a coworker about my gender identity today, but it got awkward. I'm hoping, with a little more time, I can get past these barriers in my mind. I know not everyone is going to understand or approve, but I need to get to a place where I stop caring what they think and go forward anyway.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 6

Another early and wonderful morning!

Body: As per usual. I have been adding more parts as I think of them. It feels like the more I do here, the more it works. For instance, I didn't think to add my teeth on the first run through, but did later and it seems to help.

Mind: Today I thought about clothes and makeup. It was something I was very reluctant to embrace at first, even causing initial discomfort, but over time I've embraced them more and more and realized it's mostly my own negative self image holding me back in this area. I also thought about fiction I've created over the years with transgender themes. While often drawn just for me, it was important steps in figuring out my gender identity and sexuality.

Soul: So, my inner world was flooded when I got in. Getting myself into the proper mode took a bit of calibration, finally becoming a mermaid. I was confronted by a large, patriarchal figure, who pretty much looked like the father from little mermaid. I put him on pause and ventured within to find a plethora of fears working him like a giant puppet, pretty much an avatar of patriarchal garbage, garbage I pretty much instantly destroyed once I realized it.

The flooding was caused by an inner self of depression, almost set like a bomb to flood the place. Brief chitchat got them to cut the waterworks for a little while so I could refocus on what I'd came to do- confront my fear of madness. Cornering them, I eventually was able to get them to see reason that what I was doing wasn't madness and I gave them a job: remind me to ground now and then. I can admit, I often don't ground as much as many recommend, and I don't think I really need to all the time, but doing so once or twice a week is probably not a bad idea.

Results: Therapy yesterday was strange as I essentially feel as if I'm no longer holding myself back. Life is moving in the direction I want it to and I don't plan on stopping. I'm feeling rejuvenated and motivated every day and I hope I can keep it up.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 5

Woke up slightly earlier, so blogging while memory is fresh.

Body: Usual affirmations. Feeling positive.

Mind: Reviewed negative media influences about transgender specifically and queer in general. A lot of trans jokes have been made over the year. Sometimes in good taste, but very rarely treating trans women as anything more than punchlines and that men who sleep with them are somehow lesser. It's really little wonder there is so much built up fear and resistance in the face of it. Some sock puppets, some alternate time lining of what media portrayal could and should be.

Soul: Entered and found myself in yoga wear with a semi-realistic depiction of what I might be like if I continue with yoga and get on hormones. Hopefully a fun preview.

I gave an all call to my inner world for who wants to show up and talk to me and got the statue. The statue is sort of my animus, a kind of archetype of inner maleness. Stony, stoic, rigid, strong, unmoving. And they felt I was making a sort of mistake. Rather than being destructive or belittling, I let the statue know that this is how I felt, but that his own inner archetype had been altered in negative fashion by the world around him too. How that stoicism and perfect emotionless invulnerability was, in a way, representative of the negative patriarchal values instilled him. As it dawned on me and him that he was being limited in an unfair way, he suddenly softened to a more positive version of the male archetype, strong and caring. Sharing a hug seemed to seal that in place.

I also talked to Physapkward, an inner demon I had invented once to deal with my social fears. For a time, banishing them worked to banish my more shy nature and allow me to socialize and get involved with things. However, as I heal myself internally the need for Physapkward has largely diminished, so I decided to see how they were doing. They once had a mirror they wore that only showed ugliness, but the mirror had cracked. I gave Phys a hug as well and thanked them for being of help to me, which caused a transformation from ugliness to beauty. I know had this very cute anime girl with a massive peacock tail and a beauty reflecting mirror on her neck- a narcism demon versus the negative self image from before. She confirmed as such, and is a good little reminder of not to let my self love and positive image go beyond the boundaries into delusion.

Finally, there is some fear again, this one being a fear of madness, looking much like an asylum patient in a green medical gown- slightly fem, but wild eyed and knife wielding. I didn't have time to resolve, so I put them in a straight jacket onto a medical gurney to talk later.

Results: I feel really really happy right now and feel happier being myself than I have in a while. Learning to love yourself piece by piece and removing and redeeming things you no longer need can really work wonders. It's only day 5, I'm smiling, and thinking about what I might feel by day 30 puts a much bigger grin on my face.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 4

Another early morning.

Body: Same affirmations.

Mind: Today, I reviewed memories of fiction that had helped and influenced me along the way, anime, webcomics, and other media with transgender themes. While reviewing them, I also made not of where they were helpful and where they were potentially harmful. Much of it revolves around the glamorized ideal of the female form. In much the same way as photoshopped, airbrushed models often cause negative body image in most women, it's certainly caused in in me, maybe to a further extreme considering the hurdles in front of me. Which brings me to-

Soul: In my internal temple, I checked upon the 'Dancers' aka 'Masks', various inner selves representing aspects of myself. Many of them were hiding beneath an idealized image, in many ways sexually objectified forms, often being some sort of doubt or depression or fear or other negative self image beneath. Talking through, I ascertained they were in many ways the symptoms of my gender dysphoria. Doing some spiritual cheerleading, I got them back on track toward a positive but realistic self image, to better reflect the transition I'm going for.

Only a few ducks on the way out. I ignored them this time.

Results: Felt pretty positive post meditation today. Find myself slipping into voice exercises when I'm not paying attention and alone. Hopefully, this will translate into a better voice when I begin attempting it in front of other people.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 3

Body: Affirmations as normal.

Mind: Worked on some memories of exercising where I had found myself hoping to gain a body where I'd be comfortable cross dressing, among others. Still finding green ducks.

Soul: My avatar of myself in innerspace seems layered, multiple energy bodies I've used before being present, if not the outer layer or layer presented. Today I explored my body like a dungeon crawl, just to see if I find anything. Mostly, I found more green ducks, gaining a Five Nights at Freddy type appearance. I just start collecting them, figuring they were just tiny fears, burning them away as I went through.

I also had an encounter with two childhood avatars, one being a little boy who seemed mostly confused, another being a raging teenage homophobia and fear. The fear of being labeled queer or gay in high school was definitely a thing, and while I didn't hate gay people at the time, I'd distanced myself and put up a strong barrier. It was only in college I really took a look at things and tried to be better than that. But this avatar of fear was very hard to assuage.

In the end, I thanked them, because while they did things wrong, they were protective instincts, trying to keep me safe. That part of me trying to avoid further hurt from bullying, hurt I'd gained even without a queer identity, was just a fear response trying to minimize the chances of being abandoned or hurt, real possibilities at the time.

For all I know, being ready then might have been the wrong time, and those may have been necessary brakes to put on. But since we've survived to now, we have a chance to correct it, and those fears can be quelled, getting to enjoy the burgeoning of a self and reality we've only ever dreamed of.

Results: I'm feeling pretty chipper right now. I got some good transition advice from friends last night. I'm going to take things at whatever pace feels comfortable. I think some fun shirts worn more regularly might be in the near future.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 2

Body: Regular affirmations.

Mind: Past-o-scope again, found more memories and incidents to change. Only one glitch this time- I think the more I do this, the less green duck I will get. Also 'raising vibrations' seems to help.

Soul: So, when I start journeying inward, I essentially put on an energy body of some type, usually unconsciously. This time I was kind of overly busty, but seemed to be wearing a halloween costume of a devil girl from a year back, only it was real. I checked in with the child figure in charge of my inner biological sphere, and she seemed to have enthusiasm with the idea that my energy body was just sort of a jump past where my physical body might go. We'll see.

I also checked in on my 'cosmic mind', made up of stars and void. They challenged me on my transition idea, for why does the universe need a gender? I argued back that as a part of the universe, I am like an organ, in particular, one with emotions, and emotional needs. To ignore those needs is the same as ignoring a failing organ. This seemed to satisfy.

The last bit was the statue. The Statue is much like my animus, all my ideals of what it is to be male, good and bad, in this passive aggressive, unchanging, and stoic figure. They worried of their place inside of me, changing as I am. I assured them, and all my other parts, that even if things change, I love them, for they are part of the story that is me.


Making a note that last night, I danced with my roommates, and had a positive comment on my transitioning. I don't know if I can call that some kind of result, but if they keep happening, I think I will.

In my third phase soul meditations, music kept entering my mind unbidden, and I felt like dancing. My body feels tingly and wonderful. Hopefully, this journey has more surprises like this in store.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 1

I woke up early after some very weird almost nightmares with some beast with a mouth full of worms and an indiana jones type character who kept changing actors from moment to moment. It was creepy, but the monster never attacked me. As such, I got my morning started early and did my meditations at just about 5:35 am.

While these meditations are to assist me in my transition, they might be adaptable for anyone looking to make a major life change with some tweaked wording.

The Body:
My body affirmations were the usual, going from toe to head. ex) "I have a woman's toes. I have the toes of a woman. My toes are beautiful. I have a woman's ankles- etc."

I end on "I have a woman's mind. I have the mind of a woman." before moving on to-

The Mind:
This step involves some NLP style re-imagining of past scenarios. By re-imagining them, we change their impact on our self image and our internal mechanics. Specifically, I target negative memories of times I have been treated poorly for my trans identity and make them lesser, while enhancing positive experiences and making them greater. The third thing I'm doing is sort of imagining a better world without such judgments in it- while not a reality, seeing it helps me see how such a place could be possible, how much of my pain derives from a sick society bent on controlling one another.

For those event's that caused me to feel bad, I've been turning people who badmouth me into sock puppets. And not good ones, but dirty gym socks. If it gets to be too much, I just yell "You're a fucking sock!" and move on.

For the positive events, I've been making the colors brighter, adding fireworks, and otherwise making them feel bigger, celebratory.

I've noticed an odd thing in these of late, probably due to watching Don't Hug Me I'm Scared. Occasionally, there is a creepy green duck in the background, watching me in the positive scenes. Haven't been able to shake that yet.

The Soul:
At this point, I use a step down method, walking down stairs into 'my heart', feeling the beat, crossing the threshold into my inner world. This is probably where the most interesting things will happen as they will likely change the most.

Inside there today, I tried to re-animate my inner monster, looking a bit sad after all the trauma and fears giving it purpose being depowered. I re-animated it with my continuing anger at the injustices of the world, and this seemed to bring it back into full force.

I also visited the 'secret angel' who seemed to be my most tender and loving self. She looks stronger than I remember, less secret, but no less loving.

Results So Far:
Nothing I can put my finger on yet. I think I'm feeling a little less anxious about the subject though. Hopefully, the trend continues as I continue the challenge.