DoMagick February Meditation Research Plan: Furious Focus

I'm not an angry person most of the time. I'm really good at letting things roll off my back, but this doesn't mean I don't get frustrated. I think, some of the anger I've avoided has been unhealthy to avoid. Various entities seem intent on pushing and forcing my anger, though whether to hone it as a tool, release a valve, or just see what happens, I cannot say.

I've been reading, trying to find details on anger meditations and exercises, but most seem to be more about clearing it out and getting rid of it, not using and focusing it. I'm also not sure berserker type meditations would really be appropriate given my current living situation (no howling and frothing at 5 in the morning!), so instead I've decided to go with a quieter approach, invoking a state of rage prolonging it with a single point meditation.

While I'm pretty sure the typical is a candle flame, I'll be going with a sigil meant to focus my fury, placed in the midst of a black field. I'll try to use memories and thoughts to get the anger going, maybe music, potentially blue noise to drown out distractions, but I want to see how long I can keep the emotion going without extra fuel, so to speak.

Just looking at it seems to provoke a little ire in me, so I guess it's working.

Spiritual Path 2018- Waking Back Up

I've had adventures in occultism long before this year. Spirits, magic, fortean events, all of that, but I've also had quiet periods, periods of training up mundane skills, chasing dreams. I'd done magic while pursuing my film writing career, but it was often in small spurts. I tried to meet folks I clicked with on a metaphysical level, and for the most part, I failed. I didn't feel as if I fit in with the majority of folks I met.

Serendipity lead me to meeting a whole lot of wonderful folks who took metaphysics seriously this year, many of whom I now consider very dear friends. This marked a change in my approach, from relatively inactive to very much active once again. While I've had gaps in my journaling, I've done plenty of it this year, whether in pursuit of a Domagick challenge, writing a book, or just my own personal practice.

Stuff I've Worked On That Has Born Fruit:
- Dimensional Magic, most often focusing on the 5^th, 6^th, 7^th, etc. type of dichotomy, giving me a useful roadmap for dealing with spirits, magic, astral projection, etc.

-Past life work. Getting a better grip on who I am and what I am has made being who I am right now a lot easier, providing understanding of my place in this strange and wonderful world.

-Norse Pantheon. I've been getting more and more spontaneous interaction since establishing and strengthening ties with Loki, Iormangundr, Nithog, among others.

-Evolutionary Energetic Forms. Essentially, I run a piece of my energy body through some evolutionary pressure, evolving it in accelerated time, for a variety of useful other forms I can shift into for doing various magic work. I might try writing a book on this technique.

- Astral Questing for various purposes.

-Writing and teaching. I know I have a lot of insights to share with others, and I want to see other people attain their real strength. I've been applying to do classes, teaching a few people I know some fun techniques, and generally trying to help some people with their practice. This has also forced me to do more magick as I crash test anything I write. So far, so good. I know I still have more I need to get written down.

-Mantras. I worked with some Halloween 2016, but I've ramped up my use a good bit coming to the close of 2017. Planning on doing some Ganesh work New Years Eve.

-Magick work with strangers and friends. When by yourself, it's easy to lose it, because your feedback loop is only one person wide. Working with more people, I can play around with things, figure out whether a technique is working or not, whether an idea has legs, etc.

-Magical mishaps. I can't remember ever really making a big magical oops. Somehow, I got one this year, had a spirit get inside me and do a number on me. While taken care of quickly, it still left me with some lasting repercussions and obligations.


Putting aside all the fun and the successes with magic this year, I feel so much more myself and so much happier being myself than I have in years previous. I look forward to going even further in 2018.

#hurtle2017

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 30

Results: I was happy all yesterday. I feel reborn and largely unblocked. I realize that rebirth rituals and energy rebalancings are not always one and dones, that the changes made may slip over time without reinforcement. Rest assured, moving forward in my physical transition in 2018 is definitely part of the plan.

Body: Usual affirmations. I hit these a little harder in areas, repetition bringing a warmth almost burning to mentioned parts of the body.

Mind: I reviewed and reinforced that the DoMagick group has been reading and liking my blog posts. I've noticed in my life that after coming out to people, I often feel a boost, as if the real me is reinforced. It could be their altered reality manifesting, subtle belief, it could be the subconscious realization that I can be myself, potentially even a combo of both, but know that I am thankful for every kind word, view, and positive interaction. Every one of them is a sign and signal of being in a world I want to be in.

Soul: This one was different. The real world is, in it's way, also a part of the internal world, recreated in our minds, and it was a world I had not yet addressed. I felt the urge to open my eyes and explore who I was in this world as my soul resonated. I carried the laptop, binaural beats playing, deeply contemplative of the real/unreal nature of the world. What did I see different with my new eyes? What was the same? What magic lies in the cold material world? I felt the resonant shift that this was a world in which I am a woman. Not a man trying to be a woman, but a woman with a woman's body in need of some drastic cosmetic and hormonal changes. Gods, spirits, energies, the universe, and many people have begun to reflect this reality, and it's exciting to be there.

Day 31 and beyond: I'm not 100% sure yet what I will do, if I will keep meditating each day, or if I will let the practice slide as I use that time to catch up on direly needed sleep and doing the magick of arranging the every day, ordinary parts of my life into a series of patterns meant to carry me to a time where my goals have been met. In either case, I feel transformed by the experience, more positive then I ever have about anything, and I'm ready to face whatever 2018 brings me.

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 29

I stayed up late last night, so late it became the next day, and I attempted a meditation. While my eyes stayed closed for 30 minutes and there were visions and feelings, it was a mess. I needed more sleep before I started that when.

Mess Meditation Summary: Affirmations as normal. Mild reinforcement of good memories 24 hours old. Soul meditation was barren and confused, no real change or meetings. Almost a go home you're drunk response from the inner world.

So, I did another meditation after I woke up, but not before checking Facebook and Domagick. Lo and behold, someone has an article on shamanic deconstruction reconstruction, inspired by someone else's posts. Considering all the work to my inner world, it feels like it's time to get my energy self/selves reconstituted to reflect all that work.

Body: Affirmations as usual.

Mental: Briefly revisited moments where I've undergone energy rebuilds, rebirths, etc. I've not done too many of these, at least not really potent ones. Give them all a big thumbs up and gratitude for being part of my journey.

Soul: I return to the watchtower where I had been trying to formulate my magical name. I approach in  robe, concealing, as the me I was is not the me I will be, or the me typing this message. I climb the steps of the tower slowly, and the steps change to become more daunting, at least 100 of them. First smaller, then icy, then frictionless, having to adapt a little more with each step up, to a dead end. I phase through it, to the isolated room at the top, where things are reconstructed for the surgery.

There is an all call for all the selves and parts of self needed to do this work, sending out love and self acceptance. I ask for a vote of whether this should go forward. We get a majority agreement and I make it a point to force my 'observer' into the body as it happens- no passively getting out of this. My brain is removed, eyeballs hanging, watching the body be hacked to pieces. My brain is put into a blender, whirr, all dark, like zen, no panic, a sense of time needed for my mind to come back. My mind gets poured into a skull type mold and I'm a head, but with no body. That head, and others, are all brought to a headless Queen, looking among who she wishes to be that day. I speak up, and do not accept this. This is not the true me.

We begin to sing, and as we sing our bodies are built up, and self love flows to conquer these demons of fear. Hand in hand, all these many selves begin to sing our new self into existence. I am in this new body, and to finish it, I have to sing myself in the new body. I send a wave of self love out to every corner of my being, transforming some, but leaving behind many smoldering corpses. I didn't mean to be destructive, but even those selves knew the cost, that they must die for me to be reborn. I have a short funeral for them, thank them, and let them slip into the dark of the unconscious.

The last step, returning to the universe, was very hard. Trance felt deep, like my eyes were glued shut, and I had to descend the hundred steps, finish out my meditation in usual fashion more than once, physical touch being my returner.

I feel energetic, like my soul is pulling my skin tight, like a mold that is slowly shaping my body and not the other way around. It's a subtle, soft strength, elegant in design.

I'm not sure what tomorrow's meditation will bring, but I feel as if I've definitely gained something at this point.

#domagick

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 28

Body: Usual affirmations, one small modification. I try several names for different parts, sometimes using more vulgar terms for them to see if it has an affect. In this case, my breasts, which seemed to almost burn after three repetitions, rather than the usual one. Reminds me of chi gung burn.

Mind: Went back to some awkward and half remembered teenage memories. One in particular is all the attempts I made at a physical shape shift. I tried so many times, always feeling like I was just one missing step off, or that the next attempt would make it. It obviously never did, though my chi gung skills were improved quite a bit from it (though I've since let them lapse significantly).

Soul: Went in all professional into a surprise office party- by muppets. Well, let's see what we've got here. Somewhere in the middle, they all say that they are puppets and begin shedding their skins, revealing the hands. I discard my body, revealing a sort of amorphous blobby thing, then start going straight into a no mind stance. No delusion, very zen kind of state, though it's hard to maintain. Near the end, I come back, putting my skin back on, and all the muppets are women in neon clothes now. I come back as well, if anything, more feminine than I was.

"See? Even when you leave your body and normal time space, you come back female."

I thank my inner selves and head back out.

Results: Feeling really comfortable with myself.

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 27

Body: Usual affirmations.

Mind: Went through a shopping trip, seeing an alternate version where I was transitioned and confident, checking out more clothes and things, giving myself a boost for the things I did do, like look into some hair dye.

Soul: I was some kind of ice ballerina, almost anorexic skinny. Fragile felt like the right word. I went into an ice rink, giant fish breaking the surface to devour me. I skated around them, occasionally shooting them with pistols, trying to figure out what they meant. When I finally thought back to my time at sea, the rink became a frozen ocean, a boat upon it. I approached the boat, a boat I had once been on, remembering my time there. Internally, I was still on the fence about things at that time, not willing to embrace or accept who I was on the inside. I also didn't value my life.

It wasn't that I was suicidal, only that I felt no fear of death, because my life seemed meaningless. During a surprise drill, my bunkmate looked terrified. I barely felt anything.

It's different now. I feel worth in my life at this point, and would rather not lose it too soon. Like a television show that just started getting good, I'm really looking forward to the next season.

Do Magick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 26

Still at parents. Internet cut out on me midway, so I just meditated longer to ensure at least 30+ minutes. Which barely was a struggle as the soul portion was veeeery long. Total time was about 90 minutes.

Body: Affirmations, still at a good pace.

Mind: I went back to moments of bullying, replaying them in an alternate if I had been a girl at the time, to see how they went differently.

Soul: I went in with the cloak of stars and a long step down, 100 steps to my usual 10. Maybe this was necessary due to not having the 'boost' from a drumbeat or binaurals. When I finally reached the bottom, Hela was waiting for me with a table set up for tea for two. Very soon after, she picked me up, her size becoming enormous as we walked across a rainbow bridge, and I knew quite definitively this was not inside my own world anymore.

There was a meeting, and while I could go into details, I feel as if I probably shouldn't. Quick things I learned worth noting:

1) Be honest
2) Be kind
3) Be wise
4) Don't be afraid to speak up when it's important

As for transition worthy content, well, if the gods acknowledge me as female, that's a pretty big step forward right?