Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 5

Woke up slightly earlier, so blogging while memory is fresh.

Body: Usual affirmations. Feeling positive.

Mind: Reviewed negative media influences about transgender specifically and queer in general. A lot of trans jokes have been made over the year. Sometimes in good taste, but very rarely treating trans women as anything more than punchlines and that men who sleep with them are somehow lesser. It's really little wonder there is so much built up fear and resistance in the face of it. Some sock puppets, some alternate time lining of what media portrayal could and should be.

Soul: Entered and found myself in yoga wear with a semi-realistic depiction of what I might be like if I continue with yoga and get on hormones. Hopefully a fun preview.

I gave an all call to my inner world for who wants to show up and talk to me and got the statue. The statue is sort of my animus, a kind of archetype of inner maleness. Stony, stoic, rigid, strong, unmoving. And they felt I was making a sort of mistake. Rather than being destructive or belittling, I let the statue know that this is how I felt, but that his own inner archetype had been altered in negative fashion by the world around him too. How that stoicism and perfect emotionless invulnerability was, in a way, representative of the negative patriarchal values instilled him. As it dawned on me and him that he was being limited in an unfair way, he suddenly softened to a more positive version of the male archetype, strong and caring. Sharing a hug seemed to seal that in place.

I also talked to Physapkward, an inner demon I had invented once to deal with my social fears. For a time, banishing them worked to banish my more shy nature and allow me to socialize and get involved with things. However, as I heal myself internally the need for Physapkward has largely diminished, so I decided to see how they were doing. They once had a mirror they wore that only showed ugliness, but the mirror had cracked. I gave Phys a hug as well and thanked them for being of help to me, which caused a transformation from ugliness to beauty. I know had this very cute anime girl with a massive peacock tail and a beauty reflecting mirror on her neck- a narcism demon versus the negative self image from before. She confirmed as such, and is a good little reminder of not to let my self love and positive image go beyond the boundaries into delusion.

Finally, there is some fear again, this one being a fear of madness, looking much like an asylum patient in a green medical gown- slightly fem, but wild eyed and knife wielding. I didn't have time to resolve, so I put them in a straight jacket onto a medical gurney to talk later.

Results: I feel really really happy right now and feel happier being myself than I have in a while. Learning to love yourself piece by piece and removing and redeeming things you no longer need can really work wonders. It's only day 5, I'm smiling, and thinking about what I might feel by day 30 puts a much bigger grin on my face.

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 4

Another early morning.

Body: Same affirmations.

Mind: Today, I reviewed memories of fiction that had helped and influenced me along the way, anime, webcomics, and other media with transgender themes. While reviewing them, I also made not of where they were helpful and where they were potentially harmful. Much of it revolves around the glamorized ideal of the female form. In much the same way as photoshopped, airbrushed models often cause negative body image in most women, it's certainly caused in in me, maybe to a further extreme considering the hurdles in front of me. Which brings me to-

Soul: In my internal temple, I checked upon the 'Dancers' aka 'Masks', various inner selves representing aspects of myself. Many of them were hiding beneath an idealized image, in many ways sexually objectified forms, often being some sort of doubt or depression or fear or other negative self image beneath. Talking through, I ascertained they were in many ways the symptoms of my gender dysphoria. Doing some spiritual cheerleading, I got them back on track toward a positive but realistic self image, to better reflect the transition I'm going for.

Only a few ducks on the way out. I ignored them this time.

Results: Felt pretty positive post meditation today. Find myself slipping into voice exercises when I'm not paying attention and alone. Hopefully, this will translate into a better voice when I begin attempting it in front of other people.

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 3

Body: Affirmations as normal.

Mind: Worked on some memories of exercising where I had found myself hoping to gain a body where I'd be comfortable cross dressing, among others. Still finding green ducks.

Soul: My avatar of myself in innerspace seems layered, multiple energy bodies I've used before being present, if not the outer layer or layer presented. Today I explored my body like a dungeon crawl, just to see if I find anything. Mostly, I found more green ducks, gaining a Five Nights at Freddy type appearance. I just start collecting them, figuring they were just tiny fears, burning them away as I went through.

I also had an encounter with two childhood avatars, one being a little boy who seemed mostly confused, another being a raging teenage homophobia and fear. The fear of being labeled queer or gay in high school was definitely a thing, and while I didn't hate gay people at the time, I'd distanced myself and put up a strong barrier. It was only in college I really took a look at things and tried to be better than that. But this avatar of fear was very hard to assuage.

In the end, I thanked them, because while they did things wrong, they were protective instincts, trying to keep me safe. That part of me trying to avoid further hurt from bullying, hurt I'd gained even without a queer identity, was just a fear response trying to minimize the chances of being abandoned or hurt, real possibilities at the time.

For all I know, being ready then might have been the wrong time, and those may have been necessary brakes to put on. But since we've survived to now, we have a chance to correct it, and those fears can be quelled, getting to enjoy the burgeoning of a self and reality we've only ever dreamed of.


Results: I'm feeling pretty chipper right now. I got some good transition advice from friends last night. I'm going to take things at whatever pace feels comfortable. I think some fun shirts worn more regularly might be in the near future.

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 2

Body: Regular affirmations.

Mind: Past-o-scope again, found more memories and incidents to change. Only one glitch this time- I think the more I do this, the less green duck I will get. Also 'raising vibrations' seems to help.

Soul: So, when I start journeying inward, I essentially put on an energy body of some type, usually unconsciously. This time I was kind of overly busty, but seemed to be wearing a halloween costume of a devil girl from a year back, only it was real. I checked in with the child figure in charge of my inner biological sphere, and she seemed to have enthusiasm with the idea that my energy body was just sort of a jump past where my physical body might go. We'll see.

I also checked in on my 'cosmic mind', made up of stars and void. They challenged me on my transition idea, for why does the universe need a gender? I argued back that as a part of the universe, I am like an organ, in particular, one with emotions, and emotional needs. To ignore those needs is the same as ignoring a failing organ. This seemed to satisfy.

The last bit was the statue. The Statue is much like my animus, all my ideals of what it is to be male, good and bad, in this passive aggressive, unchanging, and stoic figure. They worried of their place inside of me, changing as I am. I assured them, and all my other parts, that even if things change, I love them, for they are part of the story that is me.

Results:

Making a note that last night, I danced with my roommates, and had a positive comment on my transitioning. I don't know if I can call that some kind of result, but if they keep happening, I think I will.

In my third phase soul meditations, music kept entering my mind unbidden, and I felt like dancing. My body feels tingly and wonderful. Hopefully, this journey has more surprises like this in store.

Domagick 30 Day Challenge- Transition Meditations Day 1

I woke up early after some very weird almost nightmares with some beast with a mouth full of worms and an indiana jones type character who kept changing actors from moment to moment. It was creepy, but the monster never attacked me. As such, I got my morning started early and did my meditations at just about 5:35 am.

While these meditations are to assist me in my transition, they might be adaptable for anyone looking to make a major life change with some tweaked wording.

The Body:
My body affirmations were the usual, going from toe to head. ex) "I have a woman's toes. I have the toes of a woman. My toes are beautiful. I have a woman's ankles- etc."

I end on "I have a woman's mind. I have the mind of a woman." before moving on to-

The Mind:
This step involves some NLP style re-imagining of past scenarios. By re-imagining them, we change their impact on our self image and our internal mechanics. Specifically, I target negative memories of times I have been treated poorly for my trans identity and make them lesser, while enhancing positive experiences and making them greater. The third thing I'm doing is sort of imagining a better world without such judgments in it- while not a reality, seeing it helps me see how such a place could be possible, how much of my pain derives from a sick society bent on controlling one another.

For those event's that caused me to feel bad, I've been turning people who badmouth me into sock puppets. And not good ones, but dirty gym socks. If it gets to be too much, I just yell "You're a fucking sock!" and move on.

For the positive events, I've been making the colors brighter, adding fireworks, and otherwise making them feel bigger, celebratory.

I've noticed an odd thing in these of late, probably due to watching Don't Hug Me I'm Scared. Occasionally, there is a creepy green duck in the background, watching me in the positive scenes. Haven't been able to shake that yet.

The Soul:
At this point, I use a step down method, walking down stairs into 'my heart', feeling the beat, crossing the threshold into my inner world. This is probably where the most interesting things will happen as they will likely change the most.

Inside there today, I tried to re-animate my inner monster, looking a bit sad after all the trauma and fears giving it purpose being depowered. I re-animated it with my continuing anger at the injustices of the world, and this seemed to bring it back into full force.

I also visited the 'secret angel' who seemed to be my most tender and loving self. She looks stronger than I remember, less secret, but no less loving.

Results So Far:
Nothing I can put my finger on yet. I think I'm feeling a little less anxious about the subject though. Hopefully, the trend continues as I continue the challenge.

Twas the Night Before DoMagick

(Originally posted in Facebook group, but here for posterity)

Twas the Night Before Domagick,

and all across the net,

the magicians were readying,

to take up the bet.

30 days of the month, and 30 minutes each day,

meditations aplenty, right through the holidays,

Their research was plenty, their resolve wound up tight,

in hopes they could manage the goal in their sight,

when what to their pondering eyes did appear,

but a parody poem full of holiday cheer!

And though many were solemn, a few kept on reading,

to see if the poem had any deep meaning.

For the author had started, intent to reveal,

how they'd been meditating for days prior to establish a feel,

for when it would stop, and when it would start,

and all the inner characters playing a part.

The Fury! The Statue! The Angel! The Child! The Serpent! The Dancers! The Masks of Denial!

But as the words had traveled from finger to key,

a title appeared that had filled them with glee.

“Twas the Night Before Domagick!” Now that has a ring!

And perhaps would be wasted on a blog posting thing.

So instead, filled with madness, convinced of it's merits,

They dreamed up the rhymes, and worse, they would share it!

For the holiday rush that approached is not kind,

to those who were looking to quiet their mind.

For guests all arriving, for shopping not done,

for fourth quarter work firmly under the gun,

for inclement weather and seasonal blues,

for embarrassing questions of religious views,

will work against all our thought present acts,

sights, sounds, & smells, and tastes that distract.

In the face of this yuletide, of holiday fare,

How can we stay true to our 30 day dare?

So I imagine it all, all the foods, all the lights,

the songs, and the parties, the magical nights,

and the snow falling down, cold quiet and white,

and it bury it all in the silence of night.

Barren, plain, cold, and quiet.

May each of us quell the holiday riot.

No need left for toys from elves,

we'll find our gifts within ourselves.

Merry Do Magick 30 Day Challenge!

***

If you're still tuned in, the impetus for this silly rhyme was wanting to elaborate on my meditation practice, specifically the third part, with inner worlds and spirits and such.

So, inner worlds. Essentially our minds, and maybe our souls and bodies, carry a universe within them. In my own experience, spirits within these inner worlds can be just as powerful and meaningful as any astral god or spirit. Often, these entities work like parts of ourselves. In particular, I've discovered certain one's at work within myself.

The Fury: A demonic rage beast type thing. Seems to shield me from things that would threaten me. Somewhat, a kind of armor. Found a whole lot of buried stuff in this guy, mostly forms of things that have made me afraid in the past.

The Angel: A secret self, the part of me that just wants to help and heal. Cheesy, but true. Afraid to be seen.

The Other Angel: Hyper dimensional, powerful, representative of what I could be versus who I am.

The Child: Playful weaver of dreams, they live in a sort of biological space where flesh weaves and forms into anything imagined.

Other Forms: I've been building a lot of alternate astral bodies and forms for my use in various works. Sometimes it's just me in a costume, but some of them seem to have distinct personalities I can contact and interact with.

Other Other Selves: These are kind of too numerous to count. The every day sort of selves we put on like masks. The Work Self. The Family Self. The Friend Self.

Past Life Selves: Not really gotten deeply into this, but not ruling it out at this stage.

Special Guest Stars: Sometimes spirits and gods visit, invited or not. Well, we'll see.

#domagick

Domagick 30 Day Challenge Meditative Acts Research- Transition Meditations

Fear and loathing. These are probably the main ingredients that have held back my transition for so long. I always feared what others might think of me, and to a degree, I still fear it, but what I finally began to fear more was a life lived without being true to myself. Despite getting therapy, slowly coming out to friends and family, I still feel afraid and disgusted with myself, often overachieving in other areas of my life rather than deal with what felt like an insurmountable obstacle to become who I really wanted to be.

And now I'm sick to death of waiting. While things like doctor visits may have to wait, the real obstacle is a mindset full of mental traps and restrictions holding me back, and it's time I disarmed them and moved on.

My transition meditations will be three part mind, body, and spirit meditations.

Starting with the body, I'll go through a series of affirmations about my physical appearance.

Moving on to the mind, I'll be doing some NLP style reprogramming, reducing bad memories by mocking them, graying them out, and otherwise disarming them, while shining up the positive messages. I'll also be building an alternate time line, the 'what ought to be' and the world I'd rather live in- not as an escape, but as a sort an exercise in seeing how the world could be.

The last bit will be spirit and journeys into my inner worlds. This part may be the most tricky as I will be exploring and tinkering with a cast of characters featuring in my various astral temples, safe spaces, etc. There will be varying levels mystical reality, from vague mental constructs to potential spirit guides and inner demons. My trial run has already turned up some interesting stuff, a monster inside me guarding past traumas, higher selves leaving puzzles, etc.

I'm using some binaural beats to time my sessions, so I'm not late for work. Will pretty much be the first thing I do every morning for the month.

During my last 30 day challenge, I got evicted midstream. This time, I'm evicting my fears.

#domagick

Resource List:

Affirmations: Kind of ubiquitous, I think I kind of got these through cultural osmosis and Stuart Smalley skits, but here's a link to a basic guide.

NLP Resources: Introducing NLP by Joseph O'Connor and John Seymour
Hands on Chaos Magic by Andrieh Vitimus

Inner Journeys: I learned this one from convocation classes and sort of adapted as needed. Basic description is to calm the mind, close your eyes, and count down from 10 and imagine steps going down, entering the heart/the mind/the inner temple/body/whatever visualization brings you to your inner universe. Usually, there will be a door/gate of some type in.

Sometimes, the imagery comes spontaneously. I most often see my foot and the step first, but it can range from literal steps to mountains, to spots of light, and more.

Binaural Beats: Binaural Beat I Use
Just search youtube or google, plenty of free resources for this.